The Barricade Boys Are Dead

Monsieur D'Arque · The Barricade Boys Are Dead

I just had the idea of a metatheatrical, comedic play about all the minor characters in Les Mis, dimly aware of the fact that they're in a play, but unaware of the plot, and their interactions while nothing involving them is happening.

Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, but with the Mizzies basically.

Escalante

You should write it and post it here

Vice

I WANT THIS.

...
There needs to be more Jollly love.

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 1: Montparnasse, Eponine and Marius

(Montparnasse, alone, onstage near where the barricade will eventually be. He sits down on a nearby bench and whistles the Attack on the Rue Plumet, singing his lines and whistling the rest. Eponine wanders in.)

Eponine: G'day, m'sieur M'parnasse. D'you want an 'appy ending?

Montparnasse: Eponine, you disgusting slut. And yes, I do.

(Eponine walks, disoriented, to Montparnasse and begins massaging his shoulders hopelessly.)

Mon: So, Eponine, lately i've been having this idea, over and over again.

Ep: (with some hope) Gang-bang?

Mon: For the last time, no. A musical.

Ep: Oi, dass bleedin' brilliant, M'sieur.

Mon: A musical... about a serial killer.

Ep: Is 'ee you?

Mon: No, no, no. A serial killer who kills... I dunno, everybody. For no good reason.

Ep: Is 'ee you?

Mon: Awwww, 'Ponine, you syphilitic skank bag, for the last time, it's still not about me. Besides, a musical about the French lower classes? Ech. That would be miserable. I want this show to be... less miserable.

Ep: 'At's too bad, M'sieur. But, you know what?

Mon: You're pregnant and you don't know who the father is?

Ep: What i was sayin' was, I don't see the public bein' all too 'appy wif a musical about some koinda murdara.

Mon: Then... how about a musical about pies? Murderers or pies, they both sound good to me.

Ep: Pies I like. Killing? Meh.

Mon: Eponine? Can I ask you something?

Ep: Woss'at, M'sieur?

Mon: Wait. I need to test this. Tell me- did you ever have any pets?

Ep: Cor, I 'ad pits all roight. Back when I was a little 'un, I went down to the Pit Shop and bought me a li'ile duggay. Then I tuck me li'ile duggay down to the docta's, and I 'ad me duggay put down. I felt 'orrible, but it was a bloody cold winta, and I needed sumpin to eat. I 'ope you unnastan', M'sieur.

Mon: First of all, Eponine, that's horrible. And second, you're Australian.

Ep: Wot?

Mon: You've been speaking with an Australian accent this whole conversation. Granted, we're both French. We should be speaking French with French accents. But I'm speaking American Neutral, and you're speaking like you're trying your hardest to be Olivia Newton John, but failing.

Ep: Bloody 'ell, Montparnasse!

Mon: Imitating Rupert Grint won't get you anywhere. And second, eating your own dog? You're disgusting.

Ep: But I'm pretty, roight?

Mon: (muffled) Pretty easy.

(Eponine rubs Montparnasse's shoulders in silence for a moment.)

Mon: Wait, I've got it! YOu've given me the idea, Eponine! I don't need to write a musical about killers OR pies, I need to write about killers AND pies! And cannibalism! A killer who disposes of the evidence by putting it pies!

Ep: (excited) Like a teenage street girl, gettin' rid of a messy abortion and fillin' her belly at the same time!

Mon: No, nothing at all like that.

(He walks off, and Eponine chases after him.)

Ep: Wait! After the back rup, I was gonna give you a Sloppy Hamster Salad! Extra sloppy-style, just the way you like it! I wouldn't even steal your wallet this time!... Oh, I wish somebody loved me. I'm gonna stalk the next person I see until I die, which is probably relatively soon.

(Marius crosses the stage.)

Ep: Wait, come back! I'm young, easy and non-contagious!

(She exits.)

Scene 2: Gavroche, Thenardier and Mme. Thenardier

(Gavroche walks onstage, does a tap-dance, and is shot in the face. He collapses to the ground. Thenardier walks onto the stage with his gun, stands over Gavroche, and shoots him again.)

Then: That's for being a bad son!

(There is a long pause, then he shoots Gavroche again.)

Then: That's because Some People in the audience still aren't laughing!

(The audience laughs, uneasily. Thenardier shoots Gavroche again.)

Then: That's because the Laws of Comedy tell me it's funnier the second time!

(Suddenly, Thenardier is shot in the face. Madame Thenardier enters.)

Mme. That's for getting higher billing then me on the posters.

(She drags both bodies off and exits.)

lesmisloony

I choked not once but THREE TIMES in the course of reading that. It's insanely brilliant. Your Australian Eponine amuses me endlessly.

Disney-Bway27

So I pretty much love that. Excellent work, Monsieur D'Arque! I loved the Sweeney references and Eponine made me laugh REALLY hard. Smile

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 3: Fantine, Valjean, Montparnasse and Michael Crawford

(Fantine, an ex-whore with tuberculosis, lies in a bed onstage, singing.)

Fantine: Once upon a time, I was fallin' in love, but now I'm only fallin' apart... Nothin' I can say-

(Michael Crawford, in vampire regalia, appears from behind the bed.)

Michael: A total eclipse of the heart.

(Fantine dies. Valjean rushes in.)

Valjean: Look what you've done. You're killing the show!

Michael: It's-a not me, she had-a the tuberculosis!

Valjean: Go back to Germany where people still find you entertaining.

Michael: You just can't-a put on a big-a vampire musical anymore.

(He sulks off, as Montparnasse bursts through the window.)

Montparnasse: A vampire musical! With Italian vampires, and penis-shaped sponges! And let's make it really bad, and then fill it with Meat Loaf songs!

(Valjean hits him with the chair, knocking him out. Blackout.)

Scene 4: Marius, Cosette, Enjolras, Javert and Barricade Boys

Cosette: A heart full of love, la dee da dee dum,

Marius: In my life, beedly deedly dee... Cosette, this isn't working.

Cosette: Of course it's working, Marius. You have perfect pitch, and even when you forget the lyrics, you fill them in with things like "beedly deedly dee," which are at least as good as the current English translations anyway.

Marius: Not the song, Cosette. I'm talking about this relationship.

Cosette: But... but I'm the ingenue, and you're the juvenile.

Marius: Think, Cosette. Do we share anything else? Anything at all?

Cosette: ...Duets?

Marius: Cosette, what I'm going to say may hurt you. However, it shouldn't come as much of a shock. I have gorgeous hair, I wear tights, I sing tenor, usually higher than you do. I spend all my time in a cafe full of Frenchmen with subversive agendas. I prance a little bit.

Cosette: So... you're saying you're in The Pirate Queen?

Marius: Cosette... I'm gay.

Cosette: Obviously, this IS Gay Paree after all.

Marius: No, I mean I like men.

Cosette: I like men too. In fact, everybody likes men. They have larger roles, better vocal parts-

Marius: No, Cosette, listen to me. I'm gay. I'm a homo, a queer, a pouf, a funnyboy, a loafer-lighter, a fairy, a girly-man...

(No response from Cosette- her expression is completely blank.)

Marius: A fageleh?

Cosette: (exaggerated Yiddish accent) A fageleh? My Marius, a fageleh? Oy gevalt!

(Enjolras bursts onto the scene.)

Enjolras: Halt! HAAAAAALT! Zees man could nevah be a Les Mis homosexual! Ze Les Mis homosexual is not a mousy leetle mama's boy! Ze Les Mis homosexual is bootch! Und zat is not how you seeng about being gay in Le Mis! Zees is how you seeng about being gay in Les Mis! B flat, two-two time, modulate at the bridge!

(He sings.)

Enjolras:
Which way do the people swing?
Usually for the other time,
For such masculine of fighters,
Every one's a raging queen.
First we drink a lot of wine,
Then we experiment with chums,
Everyone's open, free and fine
When tomorrow comes!

(The Barricade Boys enter.)

Barricade Boys:
Shall you join our parade?
Show us your pride, stand true and fast
Until Proposition 8
Is but a nightmare from the past!
Our flag we can carry until we can marry at last!

(Javert appears.)

Javert: That's right!

(The music stops abruptly, and everyone stares at Javert.)

Javert: Wait..... what were we singing about?

Marius: Being French, gay and proud!

Enjolras: Being every male character in the show!

Javert: Well... one time in prison camp, and it wasn't with Valjean... I mean, I swear it wasn't with Valjean... I mean, it was dark, and I was drunk, and there are a lot of guys, so the odds are it wasn't with Valjean.. I mean, it's a big prison, there were probably two guys named Jean Valjean, 24601, right?

(Everyone stares in silence.)

Javert: The something something stars!

(Huge applause from the audience. Blackout.)

Ulla Dance Again!

This is brilliant. The Producers reference cracked me up!

EponineBarker

I'm loving this! Please, please continue!! Laughing

Kragey

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 5: Valjean and Eponine

(Valjean, very old, sits onstage writing his will.)

Valjean: On this page, I write my last confession... sometimes I like to think about Enjolras and Grantiare together, and I touch myself.

(He dies. Eponine enters, dressed in white.)

Eponine: G'day, M'sieur. Naaaame's Eponine, and I'm your aingil of Dith.

Valjean: Dith? Is that anything like death?

Eponine: Yith.

Valjean: Welll, if you don't mind my saying so, monsieur-

Eponine: Madame.

Valjean: Come again?

Eponine: Always do. But I'm not a bloke. I'm a bird.

Valjean: So the angel of death is Australian?

Eponine: Well, yours is. But innywhie, I've come to collect yeh soul, and take yeh to a plice where chines will nivah boind yeh.

Valjean: That all sounds lovely. But why you?

Eponine: Well, it's cos none of the hoighah powahs could really decide who else to sind yeh. There's a laage percintage of 'em said we should sind you the Beshop from Aickt One, but the rist of 'em said Javert would be a bitta chice. Evintually, they just pecked your 'umble servant 'ere to do it m'self, on accaint of me popularity.

Valjean: Is... is Javert in heaven?

Eponine: Cosse he is!

Valjean: Is... is there sex in heaven?

Eponine: Cosse there is! Matter of fact, M'parnasse just finished givin me the old what what!

(Valjean looks confused.)

Eponine: You know, what what? What what...

(She gestures for Valjean to finish.)

Valjean: (like an old proverb) Ohhhhh! What what... in the butt!

Eponine: Yup!

Valjean: So Javert is in heaven, and there is... what what... in heaven?

Eponine: Roight!

Valjean: ... Is it too late for me to go to Hell? I pick Hell. Take me to Hell!

Eponine: Oh, that's nunsinse, M'sieur. You don't 'ave any sins!

Valjean: Um... I wanted to have sex with my daughter! Once, during my midlife crisis, I also wanted to have sex with my son-in-law. I smoked pot. I danced the Bump at parties and sometimes touched groins with the ABC boys. I killed General LaMarque. I drew bunny ears on a portrait of Napoleon Bonaparte. I listened to Wicked twice, the whole way through.

Eponine: It's no use, M'sieur. Come with me, dum dee dum dee dum...

(She drags Valjean off.)

Valjean: Nooooooooo!!!!! I don't want what what! I don't want what what!

Eponine: Don't be silfish, M'sieur. Heaven is for everyone!

(Blackout.)

Scene 6: Enjolras and Grantiare

Enjolras: Grantiare! What is this about you cheating on me?

Grantiare: Cheating on you? I never...

Enjolras: I have proof. Undeniable, completely logical proof that you're having an affair.

Grantiare: That's ridiculous.

Enjolras: And not only are you betraying me for another man, the whole Society has been plotting to overthrow me!

Grantiare: Impossible! Where's your proof?

Enjolras: The interwebs!

(He pulls out a sheaf of paper.)

Enjolras: According to the site Musicals dot Net slash Forums, or as it can be abbreviated, MuNeFo, and I quote, "Grantiare is romantically involved with the leader of the Barricade Boys, Enjorlas." Who the f*ck is Enjorlas? Some new boy toy you picked up during the Factory Sequence?

Grantiare: Gimme that.

(He looks over the paper.)

Grantiare: That's just a typo! They meant to say Enjolras! Besides, it's not like they don't make mistakes with my name either. This other page says you're screwing Gavroche.

(Enjolras goes pale, but Grantiare doesn't see, as he is still reading the papers.)

Enjolras: (aside) That little sh*t! I told him not to tell!

(He runs off.)

Grantiare: But they probably meant to say Grantiare instead of Gavroche, right?

(He sees that Enjolras is gone.)

Grantiare: Right? ...Right? It's just another typo, right?

(He starts to walk off.)

Grantiare: That's it. I'm crashing at Enjolras's place tonight. I hope he has Cheetos.

Catherine

lesmisloony

Would now be a good time to ask whether Enjorlas and Grantiare are from the same altverse? Wink

Seriously, though. So much win it hurts. If I could die of lulz, this would do it for me.

jackrussell

It's sacrilege!

And HILARIOUS! Applause

Mistress

This is absolutley HEAVENLY...I love all of the references...perhaps you could a scene with the Lovley Ladies?

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 7: Fantine

(As the sounds of the Entr'Acte are heard in the background, Fantine appears in a spotlight with a recorder.)

Fantine: Hello, everybody.

(She takes the recorder and begins to play The Sailor's Hornpipe, at first slowly and hesitantly, then, faster and faster. She finishes and smiles at the audience.)

Fantine: It's a long, long, show, and I'm only in the beginning.

(She exits.)

Disney-Bway27

I lol'd at the Fantine thing. :]

curlyhairedsoprano91

This is beautiful.

DontDoSadnessxx

this just made my day... no. this just made my life <3

Disney-Bway27

Monsieur D'Arque is my new favorite member.

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 8: Valjean, Javert and Montparnasse

(Valjean and Javert are struggling.)

Valjean: Javert, let me go!

Javert: No! You're coming with me, Valjean...

(He sings an abysmally low, room-shaking note. All of a sudden, Valjean grimaces.)

Valjean: You did it again.

Javert: What?

Valjean: The brown note. You sang the brown note. I shit myself.

Javert: There's no such thing as the brown note!

Valjean: Yes there is! Look- here comes Montparnasse. Sing the note again.

Javert: Montparnasse!

(He sings the note. Montparnasse grimaces.)

Montparnasse: You sang it!

Javert: Sang what?

Montparnasse: The brown note. You sang the brown note. I shit myself... but that gives me an idea.

Valjean: Oh, dammit.

Montparnasse: A musical about fart jokes! Maybe with a big green giant, and an ethnic stereotype in a furry suit.

(He exits, waddling with a full pants load.)

Javert: So there IS a brown note...

Valjean: Actually, it's more of a brown frequency. It's all in the speed of the vibrato.

Javert: You could sing it?

Valjean: Theoretically.

Javert: Ha! You're a tenor. Prove it. Make me drop a load. Make me let loose. Make me cream myself.

Valjean: ...that's not at all related to the brown note.

Javert: ...I was trying to change the subject.

(Valjean begins to back away. He sings.)

Valjean: I'm Jean Valjean! Something Something Juan!

(He sings a high note with exceptionally fast vibrato. Javert grimaces. Valjean runs. Blackout.)

EponineMNFF

MariekeLovesEnjolras

continue continue!
it's brilliant
i absolutely love the australian eppie Very Happy

Brackynn

You. Win. At. Life.

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 9: All

(To the sounds of Vince Guaraldi's "A Charlie Brown Christmas," preferably on vinyl, we see the entire cast gathered around the table at the ABC Cafe, preparing to enjoy a Thanksgiving feast.)

Valjean: Marius, will you break the bread?

(Marius takes the bread.)

Marius: Baruch atam elekeh namen namen natum natum elekeh namen, tingle kooloh limpa leonard nimoy alla menschen musso machen, chaeden tu gagazzen, kachen, pichen, pipikachen. A'ron, g'vorn g'voxen, a kebbible, mit zibbeleh. L'Chaim, LaChiusa, Lippa. Amen.

All: Amen.

Eponine: Marius, would you brike the turkey?

Montparnasse: (quietly) Is this your first Thanksgiving?

Valjean: Can I say a prayer?

Enjolras: Are you going to sing it?

Valjean: ...Yes.

Grantiare: Is it very long, and very high, and five minutes long?

Valjean: ...Yes.

All: NO.

Valjean: ...okee.

Eponine: M'sieur M'parnasse, I'm afride I don't quite enderstand what's going on 'ere.

Montparnasse: It's Thanksgiving, bitch! An American holiday. We celebrate the successful transplanting of the Pilgrims, a group of religious deviants, into a new, and supposedly uncivilized, country.

Eponine: I don't git it. Why are we celebriting the Americans? Wot 'ave they iver done for us?

Montparnasse: What year is this?

Javert: Eighteen somethingy-something.

Montparnasse: Well, Eponine, chronologically, nothing yet. In fact, ironically, we've been spending most of our time since our Revolution saving America's ass. But that's beside the point. They did give us democracy.

Enjolras: And beer and smokes!

Barricade Boys: Beer and smokes!!!!!

(Javert claps his hands to settle everyone down.)

Javert: Okay, people, okay. No one eats until we all say what we are thankful for... this IS Thanksgiving, after all. I'll start. I am thankful for my sideburns. Montparnasse?

Montparnasse: Crack whores.

Eponine: Olivia Nitton John reccods. And Vigimite.

Marius: The apparent lack of Gaydar in nineteenth century France.

Cosette: My apparent lack of Gaydar in choosing fiancees.

Valjean: The treble clef.

Fantine: Power ballads.

Enjolras: Sodomy!

Grantiare: La Vie Boheme!

Thenardier: Money, money, money!

Mme. Thenardier: Die, vampire, die!

(All turn and look at her.)

Mme. Thenardier: ...I thought we were just naming songs from musicals now.

Bishop: Cameo appearances.

Runaway Cart: Props!

Gavroche: Megan's Law.

Lovely Ladies: Straight men!

(Montparnasse waves. No one else does.)

Cameron Mackintosh: To Phantom of the Opera!

All: To Phantom of the Opera!

(They toast.)

Eponine: God bliss us, ivery-

(Montparnasse slaps her and knocks a tooth from her mouth.)

Montparnasse: That's Christmas, bitch! Now shut up and eat your f*** turkey. Everyone eat fast- after dinner, I'll be singing songs from my long awaited musical, "Cuicciacazzi il Bocchinaro."

All: Happy Thanksgiving, from the cast of SCRUBS.

(Long pause.)

Marius: The cast of SCRUBS couldnt' make it, so they asked us to deliver that. Happy thanksgiving from Les Mis too.

Disney-Bway27

Scene 9 = Love.

Monsieur D'Arque

Anyone who understands Italian will get a kick out of Montparnasse, but anyone who doesn't will have a hard time translating his opera's name idiomatically...

lesmisloony

What you own

nabla

LOL, I know i don't post in this forum often but honest to god i love this thread, i check it like every day

Monsieur D'Arque

Why, thank you everyone! There will be more coming soon, or at least as soon as I get more ideas.

Btw, for anyone who didn't get the Italian reference, Montparnasse's musical is actually roughly translatable as "'C0ck$ucker,' the C0ck$ucker."

It's about Eponine.

Artemis Entreri

This is

Will be more? We need it. Applause

Monsieur D'Arque

There will be more, but it's exams week, so I've been on a study break since Thanksgiving holiday.

MariekeLovesEnjolras

Monsieur D'Arque

Haha, i'm rawther glad it wasn't. I would have to worry about not confusing book canon, musical canon, and BBAD canon. Not mentioning Eponine being Australian, Javert acting and sounding like Paul Lynde, or Montparnasse's insatiable desire to sing and dance.

MariekeLovesEnjolras

Les Mis is getting a whole new dimension here! Very Happy

Don't forget mentioning that Eponine likes to imitate Rupert Grint, Bloody 'Ell!

Monsieur D'Arque

Bloody Hell is as common in Australia as Britain. Perhaps more so.

MariekeLovesEnjolras

Are you Australian? Smile

I don't know anything about it.. Embarassed

Monsieur D'Arque

Actually, I'm Ecuadorian, not Australian. Royalty/nobility, actually. But I live in America, and my extended family (including a world-famous scientist, two homosexual con-artists who have never met each other, and a psychic) is spread out all over the world. My aunt lived in Australia for a very long time. She's been almost completely Americanized, but she's also the closest to our Spanish roots and is the only one of us who still has a faint accent. Hearing "Bloody hell," "bollocks" and "vegimite" with a Spanish accent is rather humorous, I must say.

lesmisloony

^ After the first few sentences of that post I really expected you to say something about a great business opportunity you have for us if we'll just give you our credit card numbers...

Monsieur D'Arque

Very funny, LesMisLoony. I'm so glad you guys like my stuff. What are your favourite parts? I have a few ideas bouncing around, but I want to see what everyone's reaction to specific characters or moments was. I have ideas in my head as to who people's favourites are, but I wanna make sure, as one special character is going to be featured in the Barricade Boys Christmas Special, but I haven't decided who it's going to be... apart from the special secret cameo, of course.

So, talk to me!

Disney-Bway27

Eponine and Fantine are my favorite in this case. I laughed by @$$ off in both of their scenes.
But the Thanksgiving scene can't be beat!! Laughing

MariekeLovesEnjolras

I loooooove Eponine! Very Happy

Monsieur D'Arque

Wow. I barely expected all the Fantine love, much less the popularity of Eponine. To me, Montparnasse is the dominant one in the duo, and Eponine is just the punching bag- funny that everybody sees her as the pivotal one in that relationship.

lesmisloony

Well, we all know who my favourite is...

Disney-Bway27

Monsieur D'Arque

FUN FACT: The motivation behind writing every Monty and 'Ponine sequence is, I say to myself "I need to write a character more unlikeable than Gregory House." Montparnasse pops right out.

lesmisloony

It worries me that I still like him. I mean, it really does make me worried about my taste in guys.

Monsieur D'Arque

Ha. And my Monty is only getting worse, trust me.

Tell me, LesMisLoony, do you share the same feelings for Macheath or Alex Burgess-DeLarge? They seem like wildly similar characters.

lesmisloony

Having just seen A Clockwork Orange, I gotta say that I absolutely couldn't hate Alex. I almost rooted for him. If he had played by someone other than Malcolm McDowell (who will always be Mr Linderman to me, I'm afraid) and been wearing something more foppish (or anything 19th century-esque) then yeah, I would probably have been a little attracted to him.

Haha, and I'm, like, a white-bread Christian girl who tries not to swear and always gives a few dollars to the soup kitchen lady on the corner. But in my head it's okay for people like Alex and Montparnasse to exist in their own fictional worlds, and I can't apologise for thinking they're kind of cool. In *my* world I'd be disgusted by them, obviously.

That said, I think Alex could KILL Montparnasse. With a thought. Monty strikes me as less of a mastermind. Alex was running the scene, manipulating everyone around him and generally being horribly awesome. My default perception of Montparnasse is that he imagines himself to be like that, but in reality he's more of a crony. I think the scene with Gavroche humanises him a little. And the moment where Valjean's sermon causes him to actually stop and reflect. Then again, he has so little to do in the Book that I've really never seen a version of Montparnasse in fanfiction that I couldn't accept. And I'm fully aware that I probably romanticise his "relationship" with Eponine a lot, but I make no apology for that either. He's relatively open for interpretion, the way I see it.

Monsieur D'Arque

I have to admit, I'm harder on Montparnasse than most. The real one probably would still punch Eponine in the mouth, but wouldn't do it "all the time for no reason."

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 10: All

(Javert, holding stacks of paper, leads the cast onto the stage, and claps his hands three times. He begins handing out packets to all of the cast.)

Javert: Okay, people, okay! Settle, settle. Now, as you all know, I've written a new musical number for the show, with the assistance of Montparnasse!

Montparnasse: (sullen) Without my assistance. I had nothing to do with this.

Javert: Yes you did!

Montparnasse: The lyrics were you. The music was you. The choreography was you. I just said, "let's write a musical," and you jumped on that pony and rode it until it died. Then, you just stayed on its back and humped it.

Javert: Okay, first, you're a disgusting little monkey baby. And second, this is a happy song!

(Everyone reacts with confusion.)

Javert: Don't worry, it fits into the narrative seamlessly. This isn't some fluff filler number, like the one the little whore sings.

Fantine: Excuse me?

Javert: Oh, not you, ma'am. The lesbian-looking one who talks like Olivia Newton-John.

Eponine: I resint that! That's offinsive to my payple!

Javert: In my opinion, unless you ARE Olivia Newton-John, you shouldn't TALK like Olivia Newton-John. And if you ARE Olivia Newton-John, you shouldn't talk at all. You should sing. Preferably selections from Xanadu.

(Valjean, who has been reading the music, raises his hand. Javert points to him.)

Valjean: I think there's something wrong with this music. It's in four-four time, "in two," and in C major.

Javert: Of course it's in C. A bouncy C!

Valjean: Well, shouldn't it be in 7/15, G#minor or something like that?

Javert: Um, no? This is a Broadway musical, Valjean, not some European art piece. And besides, Valjean, you don't need to worry about whether or not you like the song. You're not in it! It's an ensemble piece! Now, can I have the chorus boys, please?

Grantiare: You mean the Barricade Boys?

Javert: No. The chorus boys. This one's a chorus number, after all! We're gonna break out the hats and canes, and do a little-

Enjolras: Ve haff no hats und canes.

(Javert twists his imaginary glasses, groaning. He turns away, to face the rest of the ensemble, while the Barricade Boys whisper and complain to each other.)

Grantiare: We don't even have a tablecloth, remember? All we have are guns, vests and lube. So unless you expect us to pull hats and canes out of our collective asses, maybe this whole number is a bad idea.

(The Barricade boys all begin to exit. Javert still does not notice.)

Javert: Oh, well, then somebody better get us some hats and some canes! Sparkly top hats, please, I don't care what color. Preferably pink!

(He turns around, and sees that only Grantiare is left.)

Javert: Grantiare! WHERE are my chorus boys?

Grantiare: You mean the Barricade Boys?

Javert: Sure, sure, whatever. Where, in the name of Charles Nelso Reilly, are they?

Grantiare: Um, um, um... the Barricade Boys are dead.

(He runs off.)

Javert: Oh, well, isn't that a shame. I guess I'm just gonna have to use my SHOWGIRLS!

(The Lovely Ladies step forward.)

Javert: Step dainty, ladies, step dainty. This isn't RENT. Now, would you please start from bar 17? I will sing the parts of the chorus boys, since they are, well, no longer a viable option. A-five, six, seven, eight!

Lovely Ladies:
Ain't nobody gonna die tonight,
Not while we keep daaaaaaaaaaancing!
Ain't no bullets gonna fly tonight,
Not while we keep daaaaaaaaaaancing!

Javert:
Maybe the plot is scary and sad
Maybe the characters are angry and bad

Javert and Lovely Ladies:
But we won't think about the troubles we've had,
Not while we keep-

Javert:
Male solo!
I know i must look like some kind of clown,
With my arms akimbo as I bob up and down.
But this scary revolutionary LOVES to dance,
And if you give me hats and canes, then I will prance, prance, prance!
Overthrowing governments is hard, you know.
It doesn't give much time for us to do-si-do,
But when the music starts, we throw our guns down, honey,

Javert and Lovely Ladies:
And give that Bobby Fosse quite a run for his money!
Ain't no tragic twists or turns today,
Not while we keep daaaaaaaaaaancing!
Ain't no bruises, wounds or burns today,
Not while we keep daaaaaaaaaaancing!
Is it so wrong, at the end of the day,
To want to sing a song that makes it all okay!
No Frenchie is anything but happy and gay,
Not while weeeeeeeeeeeeee
Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep-

Javert:
Hold your hats and hallelujahs,
Daddy's gonna show it to ya!

(Javert does a tap break.)

Javert and Lovely Ladies:
And that's how we do it in Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaance!

(Button. Hold for applause- it doesn't come.)

Javert: Well, what did you think?

(Complete silence.)

Montparnasse: Or, we could use that same moment to do a serious song, maybe one involving some kind of rotating turntable.

Fantine: That sounds good...

(Everyone exits with Montparnasse, voicing their approval, except Michael Crawford.)

Michael Crawford: I liked it.

Javert: You did? Oh, Michael Crawford, you did?

Michael Crawford: I did. Except... its' not really ME, you know? It doesn't scream Michael Crawford. Maybe if you added more jokes, and took out the dancing, and made it a power ballad, we could talk about using it in one of my shows. Also, can you make it about vampires? But funny ones- they have to be funny vampires.

(He exits.)

Javert: I think I'm gonna kill myself.

nabla

^ =

Monsieur D'Arque

I think somebody should, whenever there's enough of it, put this show on. It would be funny, if only for us. Also, the idea of Vampire Michael Crawford emerging from behind Fantine's bed in the middle of the Confrontation, live on stage, cracks me up.

What you own

I love this!!!! Very Happy

Yeah!!!

I love the step danitly ladies this isn't RENT. Lol. I almost died when I read that. And then the thing about the pony. and I fell out of my chair when I go to the song! Lol

Disney-Bway27

Monsieur D'Arque is officially a genius.
I was crying from laughing so hard by the end of that last scene.
Javert: I think I may kill myself.
THAT LINE KILLED ME (no pun intended)! It was frickin hysterical!

Ulla Dance Again!

Monsieur D'Arque

Yeah. This story has changed the face of Montparnasse forever...

Ulla Dance Again!

In a good way.

Monsieur D'Arque

I should certainly hope so!

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 11: Enjolras and Grantiare

Grantiare: Hey, guess what?

Enjolras: What?

Grantiare: Good news!

Enjolras: Peter Allen?

Grantiare: Better! They're finally releasing our movie to the public! After all these years, everyone's finally gonna see it!

Enjolras: Oh my god holy shit what the-

Grantiare: I wonder who's gonna play me...

Enjolras: What?

Grantiare: In the Les Mis movie.

Enjolras: (relieved) Oh, okay. Never mind.

Grantiare: What movie did you think I meant?

Enjolras: You... you don't want to know.

EponineBarker

^Ahahaha! That was funny! Laughing

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 12: The Barricade Boys Christmas Special

"DEAR VICTOR HUGO: I am 18 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Montparnasse.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in MUSICALS.NET it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Montparnasse?

"EPONINE

EPONINE, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Eponine, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, EPONINE, there is a Montparnasse. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Montparnasse. It would be as dreary as if there were no EPONINES. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Montparnasse! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Montparnasse, but even if they did not see Montparnasse coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Montparnasse, but that is no sign that there is no Montparnasse. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, EPONINE, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Montparnasse! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Eponine, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Disney-Bway27

I LOVE YOU MONSIEUR D'ARQUE.

That was INSANELY clever to do the "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" thing.
And I missed the Enjolras/Grantaire movie thing! Laughing

What you own

:

I'm laughing so hard I am crying!

Vice

So I disappear off the face of the internet (Well... MdN anyway...) for several months, and come back to this?

...
YAY. Very Happy

(MOAR DOTV REFS!!!!!!)

Pamina

LOVE this! Very Happy

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 13: The Barricade Boys Christmas Special Part 2

Javert: Okay, people, okay! As a Christmas gift to myself, I wrote another brand-new musical number!

(Groans from all.)

Javert: And, as a Christmas gift to you, WE'RE NEVER PERFORMING IT!

(He tears it up, and all exit, cheering, except Montparnasse. He picks up a fragment of the manuscript.)

Montparnasse: "The Judge's Johanna." Huh.

EponineBarker

"The Judge's Johanna?" Hahahaha!!! Laughing

This was short, but still funny!

Disney-Bway27

Ahahahahaha.
Dude, I am laughing my freakin ass off. This is HILARIOUS!

Artemis Entreri

... now I have the image of Javert!Turpin flagellating himself. Laughing

(Off: why do they always cut this solo? I adore it!)

Monsieur D'Arque

Well, take that image of Javert!Turpin flagellating, and add Paul Lynde's voice and mannerisms.

Which reminds me, I was gonna post this for Christmas!

The Writer's Guide To Crafting A Successful Barricade Boys Scene:

CHARACTERS

Valjean: essentially Mandy Patinkin- the egotistical man-diva with the very high voice, who has no idea why anyone wouldn't want to hear him sing. He's saintly to the point of being annoying. Constantly pursued by Javert.

Javert: stereotypical gay man of the 1970s, equal parts Charles Nelson Reilly and Paul Lynde. He'd fit right in on the Match Game. His habits include clapping his hands three times, shouting "Okay, people, okay!" and wishing Les Miserables were an old-fashioned hoofer's musical. Obsessed with Valjean, showtunes.

Eponine: Australian whore. Doesn't understand anyone else's culture or ideas, and is perfectly happy performing sexual favors for Montparnasse, though she loves Marius. Major punching bag.

Montparnasse: Violent, sadistic, loveless and creative. He recieves his pleasure from Eponine, then usually beats her up. He loves writing musicals and addressing Eponine as "bitch." Hands down the smartest character in the series.

Fantine: A rather sad, quiet presence, who wishes she had more stage time. Due to her constant inconsequence, she has had lots of time to cultivate her other talents, such as playing the recorder.

Enjolras and Grantiare: Lovers. Enjolras sometimes, but not always, has a thick German accent. He is impulsive, erratic and sometimes dangerous. He also has a thing for very young boys. Grantiare, however, is much more level-headed and calm, with a high understanding of the internet.

Gavroche: Does a pretty mean tap dance.

Vampire Michael Crawford: Sort of "musical theater satan." He represents all that is wrong, or all that can go wrong, in any given musical.

Now you can write your own, yay!

Oli-Ol

I'm laughing so hard I think I'm going to die!

Genius. Pure, undiluted Genius.
Thank you Very Happy

mezzogeek

I've nearly choked on my coffee several times reading these Very Happy

I love the Austrailian Eponine and Fantine's recorder skills =)

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 14: Cosette and Valjean

COSETTE:
Daddy...
Can I have a solo for Christmas?
You know I've been terribly good-
True, my acting tends to be a little wooden,
But Cameron Mackintosh said that it should.
Please, Daddy!
Even just a little solo for Christmas?
I'd even settle for some recitative!
So Daddy, make my Christmas wish come true
So I can sing on Christmas eve!

VALJEAN:
No.

COSETTE:
Well, then...
Can I have a boyfriend for Christmas?
One who isn't the slightest bit gay?
There aren't many boys who fit the bill round here,
So you may have to look far away!
Please, daddy!
Can I have a boyfriend for Christmas?
Even Eponine has one I believe,
So Daddy make my Christmas wish come true,
And I'll get laid on Christmas Eve!

VALJEAN:
Again, no!

COSETTE:
'Kay, then...
Can I have a beer bong for Christmas?
It's so terribly boring in France!
All the boys i know just want to-

VALJEAN:
Cosette! Enough with the singing!

COSETTE:
But Dadddddddyyyyyyyyyyyy....

VALJEAN:
You're getting an ugly black frock again, and that's that!

COSETTE:
But all the other girls-

VALJEAN:
All the other girls are toothless whores, Cosette.

COSETTE:
Lucky them.

VALJEAN:
What?

COSETTE:
Nothing, Daddy. Just singing "Castle on a Cloud."

VALJEAN:
Oh. Okay. That's good. That's a good song for a young girl. (Beat.) Just don't belt.

Monsieur D'Arque

I admit it's a reprint from another page, but I decided it had to be the next scene.

Oli-Ol

I love you! Laughing

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 15: Montparnasse, Eponine, Javert and Valjean

Eponine: Crikey, M'parnasse, it's Paul Lynde!

Montparnasse: Shut up, bitch, it's just Javert. He's probably- wait. How do you even know who Paul Lynde is?

Eponine: Cor, I'm not really sure on thet one.

Javert: Oh, hiiii. Have you seen Valjean? I need to bring him to justice.

Montparnasse: No you don't. You just need to chase him around based on some bizarre mix of trust in the law and eighteenth-century gay self-loathing. Also, I think you're gonna sing about it.

Javert: No I'm not...

Javert and Valjean: WE ARE!
Ittttt's...
Foe yay!
Another form of ho yay,
An online term for
"Homosexual tension, yay!"
Even though there's nothing going on between us,
We sure don't ever act that way!

Valjean:
I'm a former vigilante from the poor lower class,

Javert:
I'm a law enforcement agent with a stick up my ass,

Valjean and Javert:
But our relationship is still confusing and fey,
'Cause it's foe yay,
Another form of ho yay,
Even though we're not actually gay!

Javert:
One more time!

Valjean and Javert:
Even though only one of us is gay!

(Eponine claps.)

Montparnasse: That would have been so much funnier if I didn't watch Scrubs.

Monsieur D'Arque

Sneak Preview: In an upcoming scene, the Barricade Boys gang prepare a special Valentine's Day Special, written, directed and choreographed by Javert. It's based on what he considers to be "one of the greatest romance stories of all time." Can you guess what it is, and who will be who?

Wink

What you own

Disney-Bway27

I think Javert should transfer "Great Expectations" to stage. It'd be great! Very Happy

Monsieur D'Arque

It's worse than Jane Eyre. Much worse. This is Javert's musical theater we're talking about.

(Or better, depending on your tastes.)

Mistress

Jekyll and Hyde?

Disney-Bway27

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Ohh who's beast?

Monsieur D'Arque

Nope, none of you have hit on it yet.

curlyhairedsoprano91

Twilight?!?!?!?!

Disney-Bway27

Bare.
La Cage Aux Folles.

Is it a gay romance? I mean, it's Javert.

Monsieur D'Arque

Perhaps, perhaps not. To Javert, it is.

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 16: Gavroche, Enjolras, Grantiare, Javert, Eponine and House

Gavroche:
But you'd better run for cover-

(He is shot, and falls.)

Grantiare: Gavroche!

Enjolras: Vat haff ve done?

Grantiare: Why, God, why did you take this- wait a minute. You're doing it again.

Enjolras: What?

Grantiare: The accent- the German thing. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don't. And it's really starting to annoy me.

Enjolras: I haff no idea vat you're...

Grantiare: There it is! See? There it is again!

(Javert rushes in.)

Javert: Gavroche! Oh my god it's true!

Grantiare: He's... he's been shot, Javert.

Javert: How can you tell?

Grantiare: I saw the bullet hit him. I watched him die. He's dead. He was shot to death. It's self-evident.

Javert: Nonsense- you can't just diagnose these things. But... lucky you... I just brought in the world's greatest diagnostician. Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Gregory House!

(House limps in. Only Javert claps.)

House: Where is he?

Javert: Over there by the barricade. These two boys say they saw him get shot.

House: People lie. Where's my whiteboard? It's time for the differential.

Grantiare: There's no need for a differential. He was shot. You can see the bullet hole. He's dead.

House: He's not dead. He's just stupid.

Grantiare: How can you-

House: You disagree with everything I say. Good. Keep doing it.

Enjolras: Are you sure this is the right thing to do right now?

House: I like that- keep being morally opposed to everything I say. Now all I need is an Australian who's eager to please.

(Everyone does a take.)

All but House: Ohhhhh, Eponine!

(Eponine enters.)

Eponine: Wot?

House: Agree with everything I say.

Eponine: Sure thing, guv'na.

House: Okay. What are the symptoms?

Enjolras: Death.

Grantiare: Death.

Enjolras: A bullet hole in his head.

Grantiare: His brains leaking out.

Enjolras: Death.

Grantiare: What he said.

House: I've got it- it's lupus.

Grantiare: WHAT?

House: All the symptoms fit. Here, I'll test it.

(He smacks Gavroche's corpse with his cane- he doesn't move.)

House: Didn't feel a thing. It's muscle death.

Enjolras: Complete muscle death.

House: I'm prescribing Vicodin twice daily, and not to play by the barricades anymore.

(He limps off.)

Grantiare: I'm really more of a Scrubs guy anyway.

Disney-Bway27

That was epic. I loved all the HOUSE references.

What you own

I love it!!!

Vice

*dies*

Monsieur D'Arque

The rules of my particular Mizzieverse are sort of amorphous. Is it canon? Obviously not. Does it even take place in reality, or in a play itself? Who really knows? Why do pop cultural figures from the twenty-first century keep showing up, and how does everyone know who Paul Lynde is?

Make up your own answers, I guess. I have very few.

Also, three hints for Javert's musicals.

1. A musical of this already exists but Javert doesn't know it.
2. Javert considers it a romance.
3. It has been referenced, maybe obviously, maybe very subtly, in Barricade Boys already.

Artemis Entreri

Kiss of the Spider Woman? It's pure gay romance.

Monsieur D'Arque

Read the clues...

Disney-Bway27

If it's Les Mis, I'm gonna laugh.

Jaym

Sweeney Todd?

And I love this. I laughed so hard. And I found a way to force my non-Les-Mis-loving who does love House to read something about Les Mis.

What you own

Monsieur D'Arque

Scene 17: All

Javert: Okay, people, okay!

Grantiare: What?

Javert: Nothing- it's just sort of my catch phrase now. I say it every time I enter.

Grantiare: Not in Scene 16, you didn't?

Javert: Please- I'm flexible. I'm not a stereotype.

(Valjean enters.)

Javert: Hellooooooooooooo, nurse!

Valjean: Please, not now, Javert. Just tell us what you called us here for, and let us leave.

Javert: Oookay. Well, as you know, you've all auditioned for our mysterious Valentine's Day Musical!

Enjolras: Auditions?

Montparnasse: We didn't audition for anything.

Grantiare: Montparnasse? Where have you been for the past few scenes? It was like we were missing our mascot!

Montparnasse: I've been acting as legal advisor to one of our minor characters. Got himself in a legal dispute with the Mormon Church over copyright infringement.

Grantiare: The Mormon Church? Why would they- ohhh...

Vampire Michael Crawford: Technically, I have to go by Undead Broadway Star now. Fecking Stephenie Meyer.

Javert: Excuuuuse me? Have we forgotten the entire point of this scene? I'm about to announce the Valentine's Day Musical. Dramatic music, please!

(No music comes.)

Javert: Dum diddy dum, diddy dum dum dee dum... a tale of a love stronger than death... dum diddy dum, diddy dum dum dee dum... one of the great romances of all time... dum diddy dum, diddy dum dum dee dum... SCRUBS!

(Everyone looks dumbfounded.)

Enjolras: There's already a musical of Scrubs.

Javert: Uh-huh, well, I'm writing a new one, 'kay? And it's gonna be a love story!

Cosette: A love story? Can I play Elliot?

Javert: Who's Elliot...

Cosette: The female doctor who, against all odds...

Javert: Oh, her? She's not in it.

Valjean: I thought you said this was a love story! She's the romantic lead!

Javert: There's more than one kind of love, Jumbo John. Don't be so bigoted. And speaking of bigotry, this is going to be a color-blind casting. So... Grantiare, you're playing Black Guy.

Grantiare: Um... Turk.

Javert: Big-nosed Jewboy fruit.

Grantiare: Excuse me?

Javert: You wanna throw slurs around, honey, I throw fastballs.

Grantiare: The character's name is Turk. Turk is the black doctor who's JD's best friend.

Javert: No, no, that's his boyfriend!

Montparnasse: Have you ever even watched this show?

Javert: Of course I have, but you know, with the sound off and stuff...

Montparnasse: Well, that explains it, right there. Here's the story, Javert: Scrubs is a sitcom. It's not a drama, it's not a gay romance. It's about two guys who are so close people THINK they're gay, who kind of ACT gay, but who AREN'T gay. They're straight. Hell, one's married. But with the sound off, all you get is two gay guys working in a hospital together.

Eponine: Yeah, this isn't House!

House: I'm still here... I've only been offstage for one scene, I can hear this whole conversation.

Vampire Michael Crawford: Maybe it takes an outsider to see this, but I just don't get the constant obsession of all the Mizzies with quirky medical shows?

House: There's a huge overlap in fanbases. You wouldn't believe the crossover fiction.

(He exits.)

Javert: That was awkward. Anyway, Grantiare, you'll be playing "man of Middle Eastern descent."

Grantiare: Turk. It's a last name, Javert. You can say it without offending anyone.

Javert: Well, you're playing the T-word. Enjolras, you're our charming hero, JD. And Montparnasse, you're playing Dr. House, who gets in the middle of-

Montparnasse: House is a different show, Javert.

Javert: No it's not... he just works in a different part of the hospital, right?

Marius: No... it sounds like you've been accidentally changing the channel during commercial breaks. With the sound off, it would be hard to tell.

(Javert tears up the script.)

Javert: Oh, this is ridiculous. The Valentine's Day Musical is cancelled, everyone. I'm so sorry...

Montparnasse: Wait! I'll write a brand-new musical for our Valentine's show... A show with heart, with a purpose. How about... the plight of the poor in post-Revolutionary France?

All: I'm not feelin' it.

Montparnasse: Well, then, um... Sonic The Hedgehog?

All: Yeah!!!!!

(They dance off as upbeat 16-bit music comes under. Only Vampire Michael Crawford and House remain behind.)

House: I really don't get this show.

What you own

*Dies*

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